Beginnings and endings

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It’s been a strange end of the year and start to the new year. I’m one of those people that loves Christmas, particularly now that I have a little one, but I almost equally love the new year for the fresh start and all the possibilities it brings. I usually go to town at christmas, and am full of positive enthusiasm at the start of a new year. But this year both seem to have passed me in a bit of a blur. Because life, and the world around me has temporarily been on pause since Christmas Eve, eve when my father unexpectedly fell ill. Life since then has been lived day to day, waiting for news of progress that never seems to come. Hospital visits and constant phone calls. Family meetings and planning for a future that is so unknown. Guilt, worry and self loathing on the days that we can’t get to the hospital or make those calls, because normal life must go on.

But in every adversity, there is a silver lining. Because if it weren’t for my father falling ill, I wouldn’t have had the time I have had to be still and reflect. To think, I mean really, really think, and listen. For the first time I actually heard all the words in Bob Marley’s buffalo soldier and I have heard that song, my fathers favourite, a million times over the years. I wouldn’t have taken the time to do nothing but enjoy the company and presence of my little family. To have the days and days that we have had together at home doing not much more than the playing, relaxing and getting to know one another all over again. Nor would I have had the time to spend as much time with my siblings as I did. It has been a horrible, difficult, tiring and emotional time, but it has been wonderful in those moments where I have momentarily enjoyed being still, being present, being loved and giving love.

So going into this new year I am going to try to consciously find time to reflect and be still, and of course, blog a whole lot more. With that in mind, I want to say thank you to all my friends and family both at home and on Twitter for their support and love over the last few weeks, and for gently encouraging me back to blogging, I have missed it fondly. I have a lot to write about so I really hope you all want to read it..

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